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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27037072">can you hear me? (loud and clear)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayboyblues/pseuds/gayboyblues'>gayboyblues</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Julie and The Phantoms (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I mean, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Protective Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Reggie’s backstory, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Reggie (Julie and the Phantoms), actually dont even read this its not even worth it, and, but also this is a sad one, i had feelings rip, i projected so hard i might as well have written myself in, if youre a reggie stan dont read this itll only hurt your feelings, mentions of Reggie’s parents, oof, this do be kinda personal so like read with your eyes closed, this is a vent fic yall</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:15:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,491</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27037072</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayboyblues/pseuds/gayboyblues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Reggie thinks he misses his parents, in the barest sense of the word.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alex &amp; Julie Molina &amp; Luke Patterson &amp; Reggie, Alex &amp; Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Julie Molina &amp; Reggie, Luke Patterson &amp; Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>199</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>can you hear me? (loud and clear)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Oof y’all I don’t even know with this one</p><p>Trigger warning: mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts, mentions of child abuse</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Reggie thinks he misses his parents, in the barest sense of the word. He misses some parts of them, like when his dad would ruffle his hair and tell him he’d done a good job, or when his mom would hug him and say she loved him, or when they’d all be in the car together and no one would be arguing or yelling and they’d just be there, quiet and in each other’s company. He misses the good parts.</p><p> </p><p>Mostly, though, he feels guilty, because he doesn’t miss the rest of it, the <em>most</em> of it, and there’s a large part of him that is just glad to be away from it, from <em>them</em>. He’s glad he doesn’t have to be in the middle of his parents fighting anymore, that he doesn’t have to argue with his mom about everything, that he doesn’t have to sit in bed at night and wonder if this is all there is to life and what that’s supposed to mean for him.</p><p> </p><p>Today, he can’t stop thinking about how much he misses and doesn’t miss his parents, how much he loves and hates them. And of course, Luke notices.</p><p> </p><p>“You okay, Reg?” he asks while they’re all waiting for Julie to get home so they can start practice.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Reggie says, but Luke frowns and tilts his head like he doesn’t believe him, so he adds, “I’m just… tired.”</p><p> </p><p>“Bad day?” Luke asks.</p><p> </p><p>Reggie shrugs, slumping back on the couch where he’s sitting and strumming his bass idly. “Maybe a little.”</p><p> </p><p>“Is it…?” Alex asks, trailing off and letting the implication of his words hang in the air between the three of them.</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Reggie says. “Not that it matters now, though, since we’re ghosts.”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course it matters,” Luke says immediately. “It’s the thinking about doing it that’s the problem.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I’m not, so it doesn’t matter,” Reggie says and stares at his bass instead of the guys.</p><p> </p><p>Alex stands from behind his drums and poofs next to the couch, lowering himself to sit down beside Reggie. He takes Reggie’s bass and sets it aside. “So, what <em>is</em> the matter, then?”</p><p> </p><p>Reggie shrugs but lets Alex lace their fingers together. “I don’t know, just… thinking about my parents and how much I miss them.”</p><p> </p><p>Luke makes an indignant, choked noise, but Alex levels him with a look that so clearly says <em>shut up</em> that he says nothing. Alex looks back at Reggie like he expects him to keep going, so he does.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know, it’s like…” Reggie makes a vague gesture with his free hand like he’s trying to gather up all his feelings in it and physically present them to Alex. “I miss them, and I wish I could see them, but even more, I don’t miss them, and I never want to go back there.” Reggie let’s his head fall into his hand. “That sounds so shitty.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, it doesn’t,” Alex assures. “It makes sense, given everything that’s happened.”</p><p> </p><p>“Given everything that’s happened, I hate their guts,” Luke says loudly, but he sits down on Reggie’s other side and takes his free hand gently.</p><p> </p><p>“Whose guts do you hate?” Julie asks as she enters the studio, dropping her school bag next to the door. She glances at them all on the couch and softens. “Hey, what’s wrong?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex and Luke both glance at Reggie, and he lets out a breath. “Just– My parents.”</p><p> </p><p>Julie gives a little understanding hum. “You miss them?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s complicated,” Reggie says, and Julie furrows her brow.</p><p> </p><p>She comes to crouch in front of him, placing her hand on his knee. “Are you okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Reggie says, but his eyes burn, and he can feel his throat getting tight. “No.”</p><p> </p><p>“Aw, Reggie,” Julie says, voice soft, and she leans forward and pulls him into a hug. He melts into the embrace, letting go of Alex and Luke’s hands to wrap his arms around her in return.</p><p> </p><p>When she pulls back, she brings her hands up and sets them on either side of his face and asks, “Do you wanna talk about it?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know,” he says in a watery voice, and Julie wipes away a few tears that slip out of the corners of his eyes with her thumbs. “Maybe a little.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” she says quietly and waits for him to continue.</p><p> </p><p>“I just– I just want to hate them,” Reggie says, and his breath hitches harshly on a sob. “And– And I do, and I’m mad at them, I’m just so <em>mad</em>, mostly at my mom, for all the stuff she’s ever done to me that’s made me like– like, scared of her, and–” Reggie takes in a shuddering breath. “Sorry, that just– Sorry to just– say that.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to apologize,” Julie says and lets her hands fall back to Reggie’s knees. “If that’s how you feel, you can say it.”</p><p> </p><p>Reggie nods, an awkward, jolting movement, and continues. “I also just… miss her, but I feel like I don’t miss her enough, and that feels so shitty, because I know she loved me a lot–”</p><p> </p><p>“If she loved you, she wouldn’t have hit you,” Luke says firmly, like he’s been saying it his entire life. Julie’s fingers tighten on Reggie’s knees, but she doesn’t say anything.</p><p> </p><p>“But that’s the thing!” Reggie says thickly, throwing his hand up in the air. “She loved me, and she still... did all those things. She loved me and still hurt me. And she hurt me, and I still love her.”</p><p> </p><p>“She’s your mom,” Alex says, resting a hand on Reggie’s forearm. “Of course you love her.”</p><p> </p><p>“She stopped deserving your love the second she put her hands on you,” Luke spits, but he settles an arm around Reggie’s shoulder and pulls him into his side just a bit.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe she did,” Reggie says and shrugs. “I dunno. It wasn’t all bad. She was good a lot, when she wasn’t arguing with my dad or me. We used to do everything together. It feels like the her who would hit and scream at me and the her who would hug me when I was upset and fight someone for me are two different people.”</p><p> </p><p>Julie takes his hands then, gently holds them in her own. “People who hurt you… they usually aren’t bad all the time. So many people fall victim to abuse because the person hurting them sometimes does good things, maybe even makes them feel safe. But you know that even if she was good to you sometimes, it was still abuse, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“I guess? I dunno,” Reggie says and shrugs again, because that word – <em>abuse</em> – feels too harsh to describe what his mom did. “It’s not like I was the best kid. I always did stuff I wasn’t supposed to, even when I knew I shouldn’t. I’m sure I hurt her too.”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe,” Julie says, brushing her thumbs over the backs of his hands, “but you were just a kid, Reggie.”</p><p> </p><p>“I was still an asshole,” Reggie argues, and his face crumples.</p><p> </p><p>“I find that hard to believe,” Julie says, and her tone might have been joking if it wasn’t laced with such severity.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s true,” Reggie says thickly, and he hates that he’s crying as he says it, because it makes him feel like a dirty person who’s trying to manipulate Julie’s feelings. “I mean, when we got into arguments, it’s like I– I would just get so mad, because it was always the same thing with her, always the– the transgender thing, or my attitude putting a strain on her and my dad’s relationship, or me being ungrateful because I would– I used to– You know, I mean, I would, like, <em>you know</em>– And maybe– maybe she was right, sometimes, because I could get mean, and maybe I could be ungrateful–”</p><p> </p><p>“She was not right!” Luke shouts, and his arm tightens around Reggie’s shoulders. “You’re not mean or ungrateful!”</p><p> </p><p>“Not around you guys,” Reggie says and wipes his face with the heel of his hand, “but I was different at home.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, from what you told us about the fights, it seems kinda like she was the one who always started in on you,” Alex says carefully.</p><p> </p><p>“No, but I– I said things–” Reggie says. “I mean, they were just <em>mean</em>, and I– Well, they were things I’d thought before, but saying them was just– I knew saying it would hurt her, and I said it anyway.”</p><p> </p><p>“Like what?” Julie asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Like– Like she’s not a good mom, or that hitting your kid makes you an awful person, or– or things like that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, that’s not <em>wrong</em>,” Luke says.</p><p> </p><p>“No, it’s– It was the way I said it,” Reggie continues, because he needs them to understand that things were different in the heat of an argument, and everything wasn’t just his mom’s fault. “It’s like, I would– I mean, I would curse at her, like– I called her a fucking asshole once, and I just–”</p><p> </p><p>“And how is she not a fucking asshole?” Luke asks.</p><p> </p><p>“I mean, Reggie,” Alex starts before Reggie can even acknowledge what Luke said, “she was already cussing at and putting her hands on you first.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know, but I– I was just such a hard kid to deal with. I was so sad all the time, and the whole trans thing was so new to her, and I– I, you know–”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t even go there, Reg,” Luke says, voice hard, and his fingers grip Reggie’s shoulders so hard they shake. “Being trans and having depression is not your fault.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not her fault either,” Reggie says. “I mean, imagine how you would feel if your kid just– if you just had this majorly fucked up kid–”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not fucked up!” Luke argues adamantly.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, what normal guy do you know that has fucking–”</p><p> </p><p>Reggie pulls one of his hands free and uses it to violently gesture at his chest before he even gets halfway through his sentence, and Alex takes that hand carefully in both of his own and cuts Reggie off in a quiet voice.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t do that to yourself, Reg,” he says, and his gentle tone makes Reggie deflate. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I mean, there’s kind of plenty of things wrong with me,” Reggie tries to say, but the last few words get a little lost in the half-laugh half-sob that bubbles up from his throat. “And I know it’s not all my fault, but I didn’t make it any easier. I mean, what do you even <em>do</em> when– when your kid just keeps trying to– hurt and kill himself all the time, even when you were trying to help and be there for him?”</p><p> </p><p>Julie shifts and brings the hand still grasped in hers closer to her chest when he says that, cradling his hand like it’s something delicate and precious.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, maybe if she didn’t try to use your mental illness to win arguments and belittle you into submission, you would have felt like you could talk to her more instead of just–”</p><p> </p><p>“Luke!” Alex hisses.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, it’s true!” Luke yells, but he softens when Reggie flinches against his side. “Sorry, Reg. I know she’s your mom, and you can’t help but love her, but I…”</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” Reggie says quietly, and he does know. He feels the same way about Alex’s parents.</p><p> </p><p>“Reggie,” Julie says softly, and he looks back at her. “It’s okay to have conflicting feelings. They’re your parents. They’re supposed to love you. It’s not your fault they also decided to hurt you.”</p><p> </p><p>“But I’m not innocent,” Reggie says, because they’re still not getting it, and it’s making him feel like a liar. “I– I know I’ve got you all convinced that I’m some sweet kid, but I wasn’t like that with my parents, especially my mom. I–”</p><p> </p><p>“Did you hit her?” Luke asks.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Reggie asks, because half of what Luke said was drowned out by Reggie’s words.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you ever hit her?” Luke asks again, letting his arm drop from Reggie’s shoulders and twisting to the side to face him.</p><p> </p><p>“No, but–”</p><p> </p><p>“Then that’s it, isn’t it?” Luke says before Reggie can even argue. “She was a full grown woman, and you were a kid, and she hit you. She gave you a fucking bloody nose, dude. She’s in the wrong here, end of story.”</p><p> </p><p>“But I–” Reggie tries to argue, but he chokes on the words, and he has to scrunch up his face to keep more tears from falling.</p><p> </p><p>“Reg,” Luke says softly, and he wraps an arm around Reggie’s shoulders again and draws him into his chest. “Bro, she’s the one who crossed that line. She’s the one that decided to hit her kid, again and again. That’s on her, not you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Reggie says, and he doesn’t agree, because agreeing out loud would mean throwing his mom under the bus, and just the thought leaves a bad taste in his mouth right now, but he stops arguing and allows himself to be angry and upset and everything else that being scared of your own mother brings with it.</p><p> </p><p>Alex lets go of his hand and wraps his arms around Reggie’s waist, rests his cheek against the back of Reggie’s neck, and Reggie can feel the blond shift a little to make room for Julie to squeeze in between them and wrap her arms around Reggie’s chest.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m really sorry your parents were like that,” Julie mumbles into his shoulder blade.</p><p> </p><p>“S’okay,” Reggie says, face squashed against Luke’s collarbone. “I got you guys.”</p><p> </p><p>Julie hugs him tighter, burrows her nose into his back. “I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Love you, too,” Reggie says and tries desperately not to start crying again. He mostly succeeds.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re your family,” Luke says and pulls Reggie closer even though there’s already barely any space between them. “Fuck your parents.”</p><p> </p><p>Reggie feels Alex sputter out a laugh against the back of his neck, and that makes him chuckle a bit, too.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, fuck those guys,” Reggie says, and he half means it and half doesn’t, and he’s okay with both of those.</p><p> </p><p>He still doesn’t know where he stands on his feelings about his parents, or even where he should be standing, but honestly, right now, sandwiched between the three most important people in his not-life, listening to them giggle, letting them hold him, he isn’t even sure it really matters.</p><p> </p><p>Luke and Alex and Julie, their love’s not complicated. No part of being around them scares him or makes him want to run away, and no part of being away from them makes him feel relieved or guilty. No part of loving them is conflicting or confusing or leaves a bad taste in his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>So, yeah, none of the other stuff matters, because right now, Reggie’s right where he’s supposed to be. The rest can wait.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you read this, no you didn’t ❤️</p><p>No but please feel free to scream at me about it in the comments, especially if you’re a Reggie stan and didn’t heed the warning in the tags</p></blockquote></div></div>
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